......Okay I have been drinking........

God How is it that I let myself get to this.....I'm a smart girl, so I thought
and now I cry more then ever....at least while I'm typing this. I never thought I'd let myself fall this way but I have and if I could get back I don't think I would but this hurts
what I'm doing to myself, its killing me not in the way I ever though
sure I'm the girl ever one loves and hates
but the question is do I love me this way???? Is my life all that I crack it up to be?
I did the dumbest thing I could have EVER done this evening....and can only thank the heavens for lighting my way home.
But if your reading this.......then save me.
for the love of anything save me cause i don't think I can save myself this time, I really don't think I have the strenght too anymore.
My vices are dark and demanding they are battling my heart has days pass and while you all should know that I'm not thinking of ending my life....just an FYI that is not what I'm talking about. I'm just saying that my darker side is deeper then most know and its slowly going to kill me if i don't stop. see the thing is that I come from a happy to a ever deep and darken path in life so while most of the world see me has just some 22 year old girl my heart beats with that of someone much older. So I guess therapy didn't help me that much.....I don't think that way any more I just pushed it somewhere else.And its coming out in different ways now much more then what meets the eye.
I'm incapable of loving anyone because well I don't know why.....I want too. Maybe its cause I know who I want but know that it will never happen, he is the first person that I have met that My heart clicked with in so long but I understand where he is in life right now. M-I hope your okay and I'm here for you. Someday.
So yeah I don't care if your reading this and thinking omg what is wrong with this girl right because its not what anyone thinks but me in the morning. Just know that maybe I cant do this on my own anymore and even if i don't ask for help, ask me if I'm okay because I never show this side and to tell people about it and be open it may help me to learn more about me.
Cause I cant continue down this path anymore, I cant.
I love you all so very much and no matter what thank you for being in my life even if I'm not around all the time. Thank you.