It's Just a Ride

Hear that......Sounds like an old familiar tune.
The past intermingling with the present.
But its like I have finally woken from a long sleep.
For once I can clear see everything....lol...Took me long enough
Im gain the direction that I could not seem to find
and Im learning what I really want out of life.
This year is almost over already...too fast, 2 of my closest friends are older then me by a few years so Im starting the path they already traveled. Its kinda nice having there thoughts and what not. Yet they are headed down the next phases in their lifes, and while there is still room for me, they have somewhat inspired me. So I have been thinking and well watching to much sex in the city.....must not go shopping....lol...
Where is it that I want to go?
I have got my girls, cosmos, shoes, and fast pace life. But where is the love?
I dont know the answer to that question......yet being single has been amazing, fun, adventorus! Do I want to give that all up....I do and Dont, I think it is because I wanna meet the right guy to start soething with. I pick all the assholes, who love to view me as a sex object...ugh!
Career wise Im happy right now Bar training is kicking me in the butt but it is sooooo worth it. There is a lot of pressure on the job title...alot.
Like at any second you could be fired...talk about stress. And then there is all this stuff going on that Im finding out about that shouldnt be happening putting me in the position That I really dont wanna be in. I have my first flair competition on the 13th of October, Im kinda bumed It was supposed to be tomorrow and I was excitied cause my best friend pammy was gonna go and bring this guy matt who is really chill, that I kinda sort talk too.....its been a long process, but they moved it and I dont know if they can make it again... :/ I hope I get a good support crowd because then I would be so afrid and can be a bit more of myself.
Good lord I have been up this late in awhile...lol funny I say that then yawn
alright I surrender...Gnite <3

Ugh.....why!?

..........So many words, how do they form to find what I seek to say. Im not a screwup Im not, I have almost ever thing I want in life, but why am I stuck here?? Making the same mistakes ever time, over and over. My friends wonder why I dont sleep around because I do this and then it leaves me in a darker place.
Now I just feel sick. Worried Sick. Why? I really dont know. Honestly I want someone to just love me for who I am, someone to come home to and watch tv and just chill out togther. But note this Im not looking for it becasue it will happen one day and life will fall in place together like piecce of a jigsaw puzzle. Im just tried of thinking maybe....giving guys chances and getting screwed over because I think so naive...always this one maybe different....no....Im over mistakes....all though I found one connection I feel is utterly geniune Iam afrid that it may never get the chance to see the light of day. I hope that isnt true....maybe?(lol)