bloodless

I find comfort in the darkest corners of my heart
down the path that in which love used to grow
darken throwns and night sky now covers
it beats to live and nothin more
no more the sun shine
no more the sounds of laugher in the air
just chains that hold my <3 hostage
raddling
in the brightest of times I cant seem
to rescue me
Pledding with my knowledge
I beg of thee to set me free.
For the one I pine lays under the stars
the same sky
for me he breaths and I can not answer why
He can see
underneath my troubled dreams, the darken heart,
there lies the light that once filled me
held by the thoughts that consume the vital organ
that beats in me, I can only dream.
But for now these chains shall hold me in their comfort
and I shall struggle no more
until the everlast of love lets my heart beat once more

Justifying My Actions.

Well What can I say besides the fact that Im who I am. People dont know if anyone got the message that when I said I want to be a honest person, I meant it.

Yes I did tell her that you girls were planning on breaking into her apartment when she wasnt there. Because its illegal, weather your stuff is in there or not, try using a phone before taking drastic measures. And by me getting her schedule for you would make me an accessorie to your game. Think what You think, tell me that I started the drama, because in either way drama would have happened.
In the past months Im learning what a friend is....a real friend. People come and go I understand that. But I have meet people in the past few weeks that have been more of a friend to me then I feel you ever have. You call me your friend but never call me, having as a top friend on myspace means nothin to me. I will randomnly see when you hang out with tanya and come into my work. Thats it, really and you expect me to be there for you and help you with your "secert mission" No I dont think so.
Seee because the person your trying to hurt is a good friend to me and has always been there for me. She takes life and lives it, and talks to me. There for I will always have her back, always. Because in all honesty I feel that by you asking me you put ...tried...to put me in the middle of your battle, you didnt care abouut our friendship because I had something you wanted.
Thats what hurts. More then anything the fact that you propbably wont see that...not for a while and by then it may be to late to fix.
See because Im trying to live my life with making decisions that for the best, doesnt always happend but when I can I do. No matter How mad you get at me I dont have any regrets about what I did, when I go to sleep at nights I sleep soundly with a clean slate.
Would sent this to you but really....Im not gonna waste my time, if you see this youll know.....

A Theory Of a Lost Girl

Suddenly, like de javoo, the awaking of my heart happens to stubble upon even more that I didnt know. While I feel Like a little lost girl in a lost world everything feel it is were it should be. Eveything feels that this is right and that everything is taking a turn for the better.....for once.

I feel so sleepy right now and Yet I have so much to say out loud and to do.
So for now world enjoy the lyrics that tantlize my mind at this very moment while I ponder the depths of my mond in my sleep.......
Where am I today, I wish that I knew
'Cause looking around there's no sign of you
I don't remember one jump or one leap
Just quiet steps away from your lead

I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too
Feeling this sort of a love that we once knew
I'm calling this home when it's not even close
Playing the role with nerves left exposed

Standing on a darkened stage
Stumbling through the lines
Others have excuses
But I have my reasons why

We get distracted by the dreams of our own
But nobody's happy while feeling alone
And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
We lean another ladder against the wrong wall

And climb high to the highest rung
To shake fists at the sky
While others have excuses
I have my reasons why

With so much deception
It's hard not to wander away
It's hard not to wander away
It's hard not to wander away

NEW JOB!!!!

Aha! Finally, I hate fridays.....have for a long time. I love what I do and I have worked so hard to get were Im. To have them try and take it away because of my personal life is stupid. Today how ever life change for me. I went to just apply at elephant bar, kinda just for fun. Pracite for the future interviews. And unbeanouce to me they looked at me and said we llike you alot and would love to have you on our team. I felt so at home and at ease with everyone and the managers. For once I felt okay with my authority figures. Not having to walk around on egg shells and worry about being fired for being right. I like it there, better hours,better everything.
yet it will be hard to leave something I have put my effort into so much, and never felt/got apperiatiion for it. I love everyone so much but I got to think about me. The shadyness of fridays has taken its toll on me and everyone. WARNING TO EVERYONE: PLEASE!!! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!! RUN. Its Obvious that Im unhappy if Im willing to give up my hard work to be a bartender to become a server again. well sometimes you got do what you got do.

Anyways Im excited, but I have to be there @ 8am for orienation. Wish me luck.

Karma

She is a bitch.
comes by 3's
and now I feel that she has come for me
what have I done
I dont know
but for those that have done what they have done
to me
i dont care
tomorrow i still be here
and one day karma
she come for you too
so all this might be funny to you now
laugh
have your fun
it wont affect me
no matter what i face
I learn today
to just be me....and face the music

and another bites the dust.....

Im not sorry for who I am.
Sorry that the truth hurts more then a lie.
The moment I said it
The moment I opened my mouth
I knew were it was headed
we all did
One day your eyes too will open to this world that we see
One day you'll call

Maybe it is my curse

In your regin you broke a alot
but then you ttried to break me
how could you?
I guess too at this moment I shall repent my sins
for Im not perfect
After everything.....everything
this is it
that you only meant well
of coruse you did
But LIES hurt even the white ones

I from this day will not lie ever again. Promise.

Oh dear friend, I will wish you for the best do know that it is not my job to correct you, only yours.
I can only guide you from my knowlegde
but this old broken soul
knows that battles to fight to save to be
I will not fight you for what is the point the only thing that fights
slove is nothing
blood will not fix what has been done
it cant
angry words were exchanged and hearts are stabed
but do note
tthat if your hurt then your hurt
I sopke how I feel nothing is wrong with that
Not if what i speak is what I know
and when the lies you weave come back at you
note that you cant weave them in to more

you just cant

its in the abc of grown up
dont lose you head
none of us are angels
but yet.......

I hope you find your peace out there
I hope you find what it is that your looking to find
but today I put you on that list
sorry I really hate putting poeple on there but what is done is done

rest in peace

• 
  

Learning Life

I guess we spend our whole lives learning. Learning whats wrong and whats right.....most learn from our own mistakes and yet we still learn some from other mistakes. I think tonite that I have begun to see the true meaning of the things around me. What it is to live....and while nothing in life comes easy and hardships are never a far off thought; it is what we surround ourself with that make us.
At this moment I wont lie and say Im fine...Im not. Im facing alot in my life, alot of changing. Tonite I was so upset that the fact that I told one of my best friend not drive home because she had been drinking and she did. Im sick to my stomach with the thoughts of what could happen to her and to others. I myself have nearly been killed by the dangers of drunk driving and the fact that she did not think was upsetting to me. I love her and while I was harsh in my message I hope she understands that what I said was with the best intentions for her. One day I hope she understands that and doesnt resent me for it.


Please I wish everyone the best tonite and bless them with safety
peacce
for the night

It's Just a Ride

Hear that......Sounds like an old familiar tune.
The past intermingling with the present.
But its like I have finally woken from a long sleep.
For once I can clear see everything....lol...Took me long enough
Im gain the direction that I could not seem to find
and Im learning what I really want out of life.
This year is almost over already...too fast, 2 of my closest friends are older then me by a few years so Im starting the path they already traveled. Its kinda nice having there thoughts and what not. Yet they are headed down the next phases in their lifes, and while there is still room for me, they have somewhat inspired me. So I have been thinking and well watching to much sex in the city.....must not go shopping....lol...
Where is it that I want to go?
I have got my girls, cosmos, shoes, and fast pace life. But where is the love?
I dont know the answer to that question......yet being single has been amazing, fun, adventorus! Do I want to give that all up....I do and Dont, I think it is because I wanna meet the right guy to start soething with. I pick all the assholes, who love to view me as a sex object...ugh!
Career wise Im happy right now Bar training is kicking me in the butt but it is sooooo worth it. There is a lot of pressure on the job title...alot.
Like at any second you could be fired...talk about stress. And then there is all this stuff going on that Im finding out about that shouldnt be happening putting me in the position That I really dont wanna be in. I have my first flair competition on the 13th of October, Im kinda bumed It was supposed to be tomorrow and I was excitied cause my best friend pammy was gonna go and bring this guy matt who is really chill, that I kinda sort talk too.....its been a long process, but they moved it and I dont know if they can make it again... :/ I hope I get a good support crowd because then I would be so afrid and can be a bit more of myself.
Good lord I have been up this late in awhile...lol funny I say that then yawn
alright I surrender...Gnite <3

Ugh.....why!?

..........So many words, how do they form to find what I seek to say. Im not a screwup Im not, I have almost ever thing I want in life, but why am I stuck here?? Making the same mistakes ever time, over and over. My friends wonder why I dont sleep around because I do this and then it leaves me in a darker place.
Now I just feel sick. Worried Sick. Why? I really dont know. Honestly I want someone to just love me for who I am, someone to come home to and watch tv and just chill out togther. But note this Im not looking for it becasue it will happen one day and life will fall in place together like piecce of a jigsaw puzzle. Im just tried of thinking maybe....giving guys chances and getting screwed over because I think so naive...always this one maybe different....no....Im over mistakes....all though I found one connection I feel is utterly geniune Iam afrid that it may never get the chance to see the light of day. I hope that isnt true....maybe?(lol)

My Random Stories .....

Okay, So I have been a bit intriged lately by the supernatural...again. While this stuff has always fasniated me its has been until now that I realized how much I really kinda have experinced. A couple of us were talking about random happenings and I have had a lot of things happen. The two pictures that you see here were taken on halloween of 2005 by my father. My dad and his room mate had set up and amazing haunted house for the kids in the area. While there was a fog machine...it was not on or at the house at the time when these pictures were taken. My father had been taking photos of the haunted house before people came in ...kinda for memories I guess, But when he took photos of the outside of the house this odd smoke keep showing up, it was in total in about 5 pictures becoming less and less in each one....until the pictures returned to normal. These two were the only ones my dad had left.
Pretty creepy huh?
More to Come........

Day Dreamic Night Mare

Close your eyes......
the darkened shades of black take over
the other senses sharped...ready
am I?
Tounge tied...
On the edge of the pier, looking into the blacken sea of my heart
where does it take me
No one gets to come in
pull me out from inside
Slience is defining
I am fine on the outside
on the inside tangled webs have me wrapped from all angles
breaking chains
destroying everything is the game
but this is not aloud
and the slience is preserved
from her mind
back to reality
into the chair in the room
waiting.
Screaming.

The Truth of the Matter....

is that im starting to see more and more in an unlit world.
That Im alone in a crowded room. I only have everything to lose.
The truth of the matter is that I wanted to be heard and somehow I feel like my voice is lost so what do I do, pulled out the wreaking ball and turn into a bitch. But why should I not say anything abpout what i feel?
Im sick of being there for people and getting fucked over.

Standing

I wear black
in its simpleness
I find every patteren, color, twisting shades
My mind finds the hidden in the plain
has I walk down that street alone
I walk hearing a bitter sweet symphony
playing my life
sleepless night accompany by wakeless days
upside down
inside out
Paint splattering the canvas that I have been
painting since the dawn of time
nothing is prefect
but this is all that I know
That I seee
I could change, but whats the point
In the blue gray dawn in the hours between 3 and 7
comfort
no sun and no moon
thoughts coil in my mind of the past and dreaming of tomorrow
so when awoke from my sleepless slummber
living today wont be has bad
looking down on the world I know
I make me
simple girl
in simple black
another face in the crowd
the underlying truth yet to be seen
held in her eyes

Have a Little Faith in Me

Wow this has been one of the toughtest weekends I think that I have ever been through. While the weekend was filled with the joyous occusion of my best friends birthday, I was battling myself. Has you can probably tell with that last post. Really that feeling hasnt been in myself in a long time and I really wanted to give up on myself.
But after tonite I think Im gonna be okay.
Sometimes I let things get to me and I forget how much everyone and everything means to me.
Plus what fun would this place be with out me.
So please......you know what.....I dont regret posting that last one because why hide myself?
Sometimes it is the little things that make that differences.

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

peace.

Tears and Chain

Here I sit again
Once more the darkness sinks its life draining teeth in to me
I cant stop it
because I dont know how
It hurts
I hate this feeling of pain in my heart
there is not reason for me to feel this
the chains are latching onto me faster and faster
tying me to wall muffling my screams
I go out at night and nothing ales my heart break
Friends laugh only allow me to pose a slight grin
I want to laugh to be happy and the only thing I can do
sit there and look mean
I dont know what it is that is getting to me.
I sure the answer is right in front of me...But im not allowing my self to look
for now
i sit and wait
for now
the darkness wins
for now
i rest again into the night

save me

2a.m
I cant sleep and while my mind is flowing at a hundred miles a minute I cant find the words to put down to say how I feel right now.
Life is only going faster for me
minute by minute
faster and faster
In this whirl wind Im looking for something to grip me with reality. Deciding what to do with my life has been at the center of my focus lately. I have been thinking of leaving school and working for my dream of having my own bar....with a stage. Because I have always wanted to sing in crowded room of people. So why not have a place to book talent that could one day give some one chance to filled a dream. And to play my shit and not give a damn cause I own it. lol anyone have ideas ??

..........

My Unspoken VENT!

Hello?
anyone?
can you hear me?
Im screaming in the slience and darken corners of my mind..........Im still here. So many times left in the dark by an object of my own device. Today, Im ready, Im fine. Reminents of my past flood my present. And unlike the motives and uncertainty of the last old friend to enter my life......I trust her. Things add up and I dont question anything in my mind. Here nor there welcome back.

Lost. No Im not. Im simply trying to understand the moments that flow past me and trying to grab the ideas that people think. Each day is unfolding and unfolding. Im excited to see the next page like the end of a novel with a cliff to a sequel....I wonder what it woould be like to be someone esle for a day?

....sigh. So In the last post I spoke of a nameless friend and her fakeness....Well diane.....if your reading this your a heartless bitch for doing what you did. It is people like you that I hope wake up one day and realized that all the years youve spend being selfish were a waste and your alone on this planet with millions of people. Because you have cause pain in the people who real did give a shit about you. People who would give you there world because they thought you were good at heart. In my honest opinion and I Believe I will never be more honest about you then this right here:
I disliked you from the start
I didnt trust you and I could sense your cold heart from the very start
I faked everysmile and warm gesture to you
why? because I stood behind my best friend
Not that youd ever know what the meaning to that is/............
She believed that you were a good person and I loved her so I trust her jugdement
I hoped that I would be so wrong about you....I hopeD
Your DONE in my book
Nothing can redem u
How could be such a cold heartless slut?
and you are a slut...........because at least we have a bit of class and actually date the people we hook up with. Oh wait, I mean they want to date and get to know us
Because we are fun
We are not stuck up and snobby
We do not jugde people for there imprefections
We dont make fun of our friends
Your lucky
Your lucky because You pissed me off many a times and I have kept my cool
Your b-day We went to disneyland together
it was fun
I will admitted but I almost didnt go because of the shit you pulled at Pam b-day dinner
You know not ever thing has to be about you
And really your lucky that im typing out my aggresion right now, because I want a very simple confrontation where I dont lose my cool.
Because Im a lady and dont fight
And Im not about to give you anysatisfacton
Oh and take your "trophe" because it was never that important at all. You can have it.
Who cares

and dont think that I wont say any of this to your face.
Cause I would and I will.......


Really people....if anyone out there is reading this
This is high school dumb ass drama that grown ups like us dont need to play
Yes Im venting out about this drama that I should just let go
and after this It is done
but these are games...........

Lets just end this
I said what was on my mind and Im not sorry for that it is what I think
My Opinion

Fine&*

Questioning the Question?

Hi again,

.......Well I have been thinking......has I usually do. Here sits a girl at a tender age of 21 with everything she could ever want at her fingertips. I mean everything, no bounderies will hold her in. what path is it that she seeks and which looks to seek her. It is here were good and evil now sit beconing her more and more has days pass. Bright lights, money, and a nomadic lifestyle captures her fanasty more then ever. The Idea of being "someone" grabs her attention and throws her into aldrenline rush that capitivates anyone. Yet when her heart subsides she wants the grounded feeling of her past that she let go. Calling for her to submissive to the laws which bind her.

So, I saw the movie 21 last night and with little more then 38 days it only fuels my fire to walk on the wild side. Europe and costa rica are yelling so loudly that the most sound proof walls do not hold back there calls. Cards, friends, alcohol, and this "nomadic" lifestyle I cant shake. Yet since I have changed so much in years past im not sure I want to let go just yet. Then again Come to think of it I havent been one to stick around for a long time. I mean maybe it is because of the the things that I have been through but of course everone has been through shit. Betrail can cause many issues.

Speaking of betrail it seems to be the topic of disscussion lately on the terms of my friends, Now Tanya and I have been friends for about almost 2 years and still have yet to aruge, but in the case of the the backstabbers that we called friends really WTF mate?! Im still in shock that a certain person could hurt my best friend so. Why? I still believe that there was an alterer motive behind what was done on his part. He really upset me, and this girl who shall remain nameless, why are you so fake? you drive me mad and yet My kindered soul can not bear to shatter you. All in all this turmoil is buliding to a point. A point that I believe will have catosthropic repercussions. Lies upon lies upon lies buried the foundation we all started, the beginning that was never suppose to end. That is life and that Is the tangled web that is woven.


I welcome the new day.

HAUNTED

Uhmmmm...... I have always been intrigued by the unknow.
And today I have spent some time doing research, partly because of what happened the other day.
I have an old alarm clock that I have had for about 5-6 years. It's just an avgerage standard run of the mill radio clock. So I set my cell phone on top of it cause I dont use the alarm as an alarm, in fact I never really keep it plugged in because what happend a few years ago. (will explain in a moment) anyways my phone beeped because i had recieved a message, has I picked up the phone to open the message odd sounds belted from the alarm. when i flipped the phone open it stopped. that alarm was not plugged in. The reason I dont keep it plugged in is because a few years ago I had unplugged it yet the numbers appeared and rapidly flowed through the numbers, i Dropped it and ran!
so tell me what you think ???? any rational expanations??? more things have happend to me but I dont have the time to get into it. Just looking for some advice right now.
help!

UnKnowning Tomorrow

Hi.....I find my self slipping.
Not sure what is next around the corner.
Im getting itching with life....like Im wrapped in a wool sweater on a hot day. I love my life...I do
but really I want andventure. My best friend want me to get my passport, and It sounds like a good idea to be honest. I want out! Or Maybe it is because of the book Im reading, Into the Wild. It is the story about Chris McCandless and his adventure in traveling that ultimately cause his demise, I dont think he cared that the one thing he loved costed him everything. I dont know...maybe it is just something I dont understand. I find my self looking deeper in my mind these days, and Im trying to figure out who is it that I want to be. Life no one can tell me the meaning so there for I figure I'll make my own. Let water come...........Waves come one by one.......
Im sitting here quietly on the inside.
On my chair in the empty room.
waiting, for the next chapter in my life to begin.
Until that moment of paint spatters againist the canvas of life and I burst into the freefall Im looking for. When the lighten in my dream crashes into reality and I find myself complete and whole once more.
That dream now haunts my mind at night with curioused. I want to know it's meaning but I think it is one of thoses things that are left to be discovered has time drifts on. It is something that I must discover for my self and search for. I think that dream with the lightening and that one person and the barking dog and the people that surround me are telling something to look for if I just open my eyes. I cant sleep....so much flows through my mind @ night.

Lighten Crashes............

thee angel closes her eyes, the confusion that was hers now belong to the baby down the hall......

Life goes by way to fast, its too short to be angry, or live so unhappy.
there are things that I wish I had done so far in my life but I dont regret anything In my life cause you can never go back. And if you ask me right now if im happy ......Im on top of the world and I feel like nothing can every bring me down.
Even with my itchy travelness and wanting to find what I dont know....Im still pretty happy all in all. lol the only thing getting me right now is finding what music to play right now, nothing ease me to sleep. lol why can I never sleep.

Peace Love Life
Kerrie

Across the Universe

Across the Universe came out today....and I had to get it. Nothing has moved me more then these songs. While I find the movie to be a great artistic vision, the music is what speaks to me. More now then ever I have felt like breaking the chains of society and escaping. Iam not a hamster, Life is not a wheel. I want to know what it would be like to live where people accept people and help one another. The right thing to do......what in the hell is the right thing to do? you grow up, graduate, go to college, get a degree, marriage, kids, death. What esle is there???? I want to live and see. See the world around me. Sunny skys. Blue water. Green trees. Life is adventure and I dont know if I want to stay here in Califorina anymore. Ive grown up here, but since that is all I know.........In may more doors will open for me. It will be the last obstacle for me. And Now has well....I find that Im missing love. That one person you wake up and knowing that they exist makes the world much brighter. I dont know. I have been the one holding myself back from everything really. But I know when I meet someone, if it gonna go somewhere or not. When I first saw him, I was driving and I said he is probably going to his girls house, he'd never give me a second glance. But has fate would have it....he some how worked at the place I got hired and we ended up together.....for two years. It was werid how it all came together.....strange in deed. So I guess when I get that feeling again, all know....it will be something on somelevel. so we'll have to wait and see.....
fuck
prefection is miserble
let go
dream
stars and skys
until tomorrows end

Sunny State

So.....I found out today that my father is pretty much right.....
DONT SWEAT THE SMALL SHIT!
yea It sucks admitting that my dad is right and his almighty know it all daughter is wrong. J ust kidding Im not a know it all.
But really there are miscommuncaitions in life and they are bound to happen not matter what we tend to think. Just because something irriates me doesnt mean that I have to go all postal plus what does it really accomplish anyway? Nothing...it equals me being mad and pissed off at my self for something really really dumb.
So thanks to one of my best pals Tanya....maybe I should take the higher road and deal with the cards that life gives me no matter what because although I can change my surrounds I can NOT change the peoples thoughts.
I have to learn to love people for who they are even if I dont like part of their personality!


On another note....inspiration hit me in the face today.
This girl at one of my tables was telling me that last year her resolution was to do somthing new every day of the year. all 365 days....one new thing. Even if it was something dumb like chasing an ice cream man...which she had never done before. It got me thinking....I should do something new everyday....forever. Why? because it can allow me to experence life in a whole new direction that I have never seen before.

I have to go to class now.
Peace for Now
-K

2nd chances???

My new life, began over a year ago. I broke up with my x and my best friends at the time. All was done with good reason and in process of finding my self.
I left my best friends behind because they wouldnt supoort me and any of my decisions. I dont talk much about this issue because I just dont want to mostly. We had been friends since the 9th grade and people grow apart. I had issues with them making me choose between them and my X. I would tell them I have plans with my X on a certain day and then they would make plans on the same day. Then they would get pissed off, telling me Im a bad friend because I didnt change my plans. I got sick of that and never getting called to hang out and always got shit talked behind my back. Or my fave being forced into situtions I didnt want to be in. To this day I swear they are the ones that told my X that my pal benny had gone on a concert trip with us, even though I didnt know he was going to begin with!!! Finally after ending thing once with them and going back again. I was done!! Fuck that shit I quit!
So Life has been fucking great since with my new friends, Tanya, Pam, Diane, Crystal, Katrina, etc. I have had so much fun and lived like there was no tomorrow. But about a week ago, My past caught up to me. Aaron one of the gruesome twosome, called me up and was like omg I dont talk to angela any more and im really sorry about everthing.
Thats great....but im a softy and can seem to be a bitch when I need to be some times. so I forgave her, but here comes the fun part, she wants to be best of friends AGAIN! well there is no way we can be best friends again because thing are to far gone. friends?! im okay with that but she has been hit up my friends on my myspace and while her intentions arent bad ones, i hope. There is stilll trust issues with her and me.
so my question now is should i just forgive her and be done?? or just make friends with my past and see what happens??
I just want opinions!!
xoxo
-Me

3:06 am

Here I am again, another sleepless night. Im a Night person, not that I choose to be this way but I am. For the last 3 years I have been working nights and it is because of this that am awake until at least 4 am no matter what I do. The only complaint I have is that I dont usually get up until about 1pm or 2pm. I feel that Im wasting my day and part of my life. Im young I guess it doesnt really matter. Yet in these few days in the new year I have found myself looking for change. And already I have began to turn my ways around, so maybe in time I will be posting something before noon!!
2008, it is going to be a good year for me. For starters Im going to be the big21 this year. Even though not many that Iam only 20. There is alot I want to accomplish this year. Alot. When many make resolutions to lose some wieght or eat healthlier. I have about 12 goals that I want to get done this year because that will set me up for sucess in the years to come. I dont think I will be content with my life unless I do something that will be in the history books. So Iam not waiting for history to come to me, I am going to it.
Its late and Im finally sleepy
peace and love
-Me