welcoming me back....

ha ha trying and lock me out...im back ill write later! :)

until my heart will beating like a hammer

....

Strange...I cant find the words to make anyone understand how it is that I feel. There is so much I have in my heart, but how to express it. I have come find that you cant assume you know something or someone, because no one can ever truly know another.
Ilearned dont write ever anyone off in life, cause they just might suprise you. This weekend I finally admitted to myself what I want in life right now, Scary cause I never thought I could. I figured it would figure its self out before I could say it. I think Im ready.......if your wondering what it is that Im talking about....keep wondering ...lol.

.....I need a cause, purpose to define, an exploration of something new.
What?
I dont know

A piece of My Heart

ahhh intricate world how your balance is so unique.
you know I never write about what I do on a particular night, well because I write more to tell what my heart says then my head.

But to night I believe is the first time I have felt heart break in quite some time.....
Sigh....I feel something for him and while maybe it isnt meant to be and I know this, it hurts. Strong has I may be my heart wants what it wants.

My heart wants to feel.

I have become this girl, the really me, has shown through. I love her, alot of people lover her. It is me. each step in my life has taken me some where new, showing me more about the life Im supposed to live. Yet Im so different from everyone esle that I just want people to see that, and if they can they well they cant.....I cant make them. My heart will go on.

*sigh* What can I do? Life is what it is and we cant win every battle.


Moving on....although recently I have learned that people are well just fucked up....ha ha it has it purpose in life. So I have met an amazing girl through a another friend who wasnt a friend after all. Finally I have a group of people in my liife that feel so solid and real. I trust her more then life its self. She gets me.....like I couldnt even describe. I welcome her in to my life, i give her my undying loalty. My girls new and old are my girls and have since proven time and time again that no matter what we got eachoother to depend on. The girl mafia. lol We dont cause trouble, we just protect each other. and I love you girls for that now and forever.

love

K

XOXOX

....randomn thought

A childs hand grips the door knob
pulls open the world
the curious peering eyes are now open
filled with a new sense.
Does one dare to enter?
Slamming the door shut with back turned
heart beating
it pluses throughtout crying for more

......Okay I have been drinking........

God How is it that I let myself get to this.....I'm a smart girl, so I thought
and now I cry more then ever....at least while I'm typing this. I never thought I'd let myself fall this way but I have and if I could get back I don't think I would but this hurts
what I'm doing to myself, its killing me not in the way I ever though
sure I'm the girl ever one loves and hates
but the question is do I love me this way???? Is my life all that I crack it up to be?
I did the dumbest thing I could have EVER done this evening....and can only thank the heavens for lighting my way home.
But if your reading this.......then save me.
for the love of anything save me cause i don't think I can save myself this time, I really don't think I have the strenght too anymore.
My vices are dark and demanding they are battling my heart has days pass and while you all should know that I'm not thinking of ending my life....just an FYI that is not what I'm talking about. I'm just saying that my darker side is deeper then most know and its slowly going to kill me if i don't stop. see the thing is that I come from a happy to a ever deep and darken path in life so while most of the world see me has just some 22 year old girl my heart beats with that of someone much older. So I guess therapy didn't help me that much.....I don't think that way any more I just pushed it somewhere else.And its coming out in different ways now much more then what meets the eye.
I'm incapable of loving anyone because well I don't know why.....I want too. Maybe its cause I know who I want but know that it will never happen, he is the first person that I have met that My heart clicked with in so long but I understand where he is in life right now. M-I hope your okay and I'm here for you. Someday.
So yeah I don't care if your reading this and thinking omg what is wrong with this girl right because its not what anyone thinks but me in the morning. Just know that maybe I cant do this on my own anymore and even if i don't ask for help, ask me if I'm okay because I never show this side and to tell people about it and be open it may help me to learn more about me.
Cause I cant continue down this path anymore, I cant.
I love you all so very much and no matter what thank you for being in my life even if I'm not around all the time. Thank you.

Wicked Webs

The Black widow is weaving her web; beautiful but deadly
full of intricate designs and fabricated on the lies and sins of us all.
Like the players of the game its what we do....play the game. We go round and round hopeing that the next step will not become our tomb.
Bundles of the past players lost create the border to her web,
her wicked little web.
Her sneer smile knows before we step were it leads.
Laughing @ us like helpless little things
blinded, wheres the truth?
Is it hidden in the glem of her slik web?


I would Die for you-GARABGE

I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you
by my side, to know that you're mine

I would cry for you
I would cry
for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears, I'm drowning on
fear

I will pray for you
I will pray for you,
I will sell my soul
for something pure and true, someone like you

See your face every place
that I walk in
Hear your voice every time that I'm talkin'
You will
believe in me, and I will never be ignored

I will burn for you
Feel
pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart, and tear it
apart

I will lie for you
Beg and steal for you
I will crawl on
hands and knees until you see, you're just like me

Violate all the love
that I'm missin'
Throw away all the pain that I'm livin'
You will believe
in me, and I can never be ignored

I would die for you
I would kill for
you
I will steal for you
I'd do time for you
I will wait for you
I'd
make room for you
I'd sink ships for you,
Take the cross for you
Make
me a part of you
Because I believe in you
I believe in you
I would die
for you

Accepting of Faliure

What do you do when your wings have got to big for your cage?
Fly.......
I swear to you that Im trying to make this life work, Im trying. I know I can do anything but its just that; that term anything has lead me to make decisions that have lead me to here. Yes Im fallin on my face and my life is crumble my very existant.

One day
One step
repeat
because the next one might get better, if Im lucky. If I just keep my head up then it wil all be okay. Im not afraid to lose the game once or twice . It happens to us all....one day Ill be the winner. For now I stand here still that simple girl trying to wrap her head around the world annd understand it. Like peering down on some alien life form that is new and intriging, the world holds great mystery for me. When I was younger something never seemed quite right to me, I never was normal from the start. everyone saw that. wild horses run free, yet I still bleed.
This is who Im. Love me for that and for the love of god please dont judge me for Im only human with errors just like everyone else in the world.