welcoming me back....

ha ha trying and lock me out...im back ill write later! :)

until my heart will beating like a hammer

....

Strange...I cant find the words to make anyone understand how it is that I feel. There is so much I have in my heart, but how to express it. I have come find that you cant assume you know something or someone, because no one can ever truly know another.
Ilearned dont write ever anyone off in life, cause they just might suprise you. This weekend I finally admitted to myself what I want in life right now, Scary cause I never thought I could. I figured it would figure its self out before I could say it. I think Im ready.......if your wondering what it is that Im talking about....keep wondering ...lol.

.....I need a cause, purpose to define, an exploration of something new.
What?
I dont know

A piece of My Heart

ahhh intricate world how your balance is so unique.
you know I never write about what I do on a particular night, well because I write more to tell what my heart says then my head.

But to night I believe is the first time I have felt heart break in quite some time.....
Sigh....I feel something for him and while maybe it isnt meant to be and I know this, it hurts. Strong has I may be my heart wants what it wants.

My heart wants to feel.

I have become this girl, the really me, has shown through. I love her, alot of people lover her. It is me. each step in my life has taken me some where new, showing me more about the life Im supposed to live. Yet Im so different from everyone esle that I just want people to see that, and if they can they well they cant.....I cant make them. My heart will go on.

*sigh* What can I do? Life is what it is and we cant win every battle.


Moving on....although recently I have learned that people are well just fucked up....ha ha it has it purpose in life. So I have met an amazing girl through a another friend who wasnt a friend after all. Finally I have a group of people in my liife that feel so solid and real. I trust her more then life its self. She gets me.....like I couldnt even describe. I welcome her in to my life, i give her my undying loalty. My girls new and old are my girls and have since proven time and time again that no matter what we got eachoother to depend on. The girl mafia. lol We dont cause trouble, we just protect each other. and I love you girls for that now and forever.

love

K

XOXOX

....randomn thought

A childs hand grips the door knob
pulls open the world
the curious peering eyes are now open
filled with a new sense.
Does one dare to enter?
Slamming the door shut with back turned
heart beating
it pluses throughtout crying for more

......Okay I have been drinking........

God How is it that I let myself get to this.....I'm a smart girl, so I thought
and now I cry more then ever....at least while I'm typing this. I never thought I'd let myself fall this way but I have and if I could get back I don't think I would but this hurts
what I'm doing to myself, its killing me not in the way I ever though
sure I'm the girl ever one loves and hates
but the question is do I love me this way???? Is my life all that I crack it up to be?
I did the dumbest thing I could have EVER done this evening....and can only thank the heavens for lighting my way home.
But if your reading this.......then save me.
for the love of anything save me cause i don't think I can save myself this time, I really don't think I have the strenght too anymore.
My vices are dark and demanding they are battling my heart has days pass and while you all should know that I'm not thinking of ending my life....just an FYI that is not what I'm talking about. I'm just saying that my darker side is deeper then most know and its slowly going to kill me if i don't stop. see the thing is that I come from a happy to a ever deep and darken path in life so while most of the world see me has just some 22 year old girl my heart beats with that of someone much older. So I guess therapy didn't help me that much.....I don't think that way any more I just pushed it somewhere else.And its coming out in different ways now much more then what meets the eye.
I'm incapable of loving anyone because well I don't know why.....I want too. Maybe its cause I know who I want but know that it will never happen, he is the first person that I have met that My heart clicked with in so long but I understand where he is in life right now. M-I hope your okay and I'm here for you. Someday.
So yeah I don't care if your reading this and thinking omg what is wrong with this girl right because its not what anyone thinks but me in the morning. Just know that maybe I cant do this on my own anymore and even if i don't ask for help, ask me if I'm okay because I never show this side and to tell people about it and be open it may help me to learn more about me.
Cause I cant continue down this path anymore, I cant.
I love you all so very much and no matter what thank you for being in my life even if I'm not around all the time. Thank you.

Wicked Webs

The Black widow is weaving her web; beautiful but deadly
full of intricate designs and fabricated on the lies and sins of us all.
Like the players of the game its what we do....play the game. We go round and round hopeing that the next step will not become our tomb.
Bundles of the past players lost create the border to her web,
her wicked little web.
Her sneer smile knows before we step were it leads.
Laughing @ us like helpless little things
blinded, wheres the truth?
Is it hidden in the glem of her slik web?


I would Die for you-GARABGE

I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you
by my side, to know that you're mine

I would cry for you
I would cry
for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears, I'm drowning on
fear

I will pray for you
I will pray for you,
I will sell my soul
for something pure and true, someone like you

See your face every place
that I walk in
Hear your voice every time that I'm talkin'
You will
believe in me, and I will never be ignored

I will burn for you
Feel
pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart, and tear it
apart

I will lie for you
Beg and steal for you
I will crawl on
hands and knees until you see, you're just like me

Violate all the love
that I'm missin'
Throw away all the pain that I'm livin'
You will believe
in me, and I can never be ignored

I would die for you
I would kill for
you
I will steal for you
I'd do time for you
I will wait for you
I'd
make room for you
I'd sink ships for you,
Take the cross for you
Make
me a part of you
Because I believe in you
I believe in you
I would die
for you

Accepting of Faliure

What do you do when your wings have got to big for your cage?
Fly.......
I swear to you that Im trying to make this life work, Im trying. I know I can do anything but its just that; that term anything has lead me to make decisions that have lead me to here. Yes Im fallin on my face and my life is crumble my very existant.

One day
One step
repeat
because the next one might get better, if Im lucky. If I just keep my head up then it wil all be okay. Im not afraid to lose the game once or twice . It happens to us all....one day Ill be the winner. For now I stand here still that simple girl trying to wrap her head around the world annd understand it. Like peering down on some alien life form that is new and intriging, the world holds great mystery for me. When I was younger something never seemed quite right to me, I never was normal from the start. everyone saw that. wild horses run free, yet I still bleed.
This is who Im. Love me for that and for the love of god please dont judge me for Im only human with errors just like everyone else in the world.

The Moon and Beating Drums

Okay So Im driving tonite and call it what you will but I was hit with a spark of some type of ingenius idea.
I get to this red light; the only light that turned red on my path homeward....interesting enough. So There I sit and has Im looking around I realize that there are four very simple drictions to go from this point. 4- thats it. But where does each one go?? the One to my left the feel of passion races ingulfing me ...no more intices me to seek the adventures stored along its path. To my right however lays the great city filled with more adventure on a street corner then in one's own life. And dead ahead of me....the endless rode with nothing but the hazy moon above me and in about 30 seconds that Light is gonna turn green and Im gonna have to make a choice.

I know everyone has these moments in life and just think about running has fast and far has possible. But it was as if everything was in slow motion for that split second. Here is my chance to Run take this brace from my leg and just run.

So what Do I do??? Pack up everything and throw all securties aside and flow like the wind; letting go of everything I have here and Feel the earth.

Or Follow the thoughts of what all should do with their lives......college, families, careers......and Hope that one day I dont wake up wondering how in the hell did I get here. Like a mindless aminesia of a face in the crowd.

Of course, time will never slow down for us to think about it forever so you have to just jump. And hope that you grabbed the bag that might have that parcute in it. I can hear the drums pounding away in my heart, they leave me restless. WHAT?! what is it that I want to do? Because No one really seems to care. Trained my whole life to believe in the concept of endless dreams....has long has you follow the rules of society. Fuck it. Im jumping with out the parcute this time and if that means moving to ghana and not coming back then Im gonna do it.


I think I found the answer that I have been looking for, for a very long time. Im finding my purpose and my drive...if that means Shaking up everything in my life for once then so be it.
The answer is always right in front of you....we all walk with our eyes closed and sometimes for brief moments when they open its like every thing for once makes sence! So In all my thinking of what to do what to do....it was right here. I wouldnt even be thinking about if I didnt wanna go.
No just Ghana but anywhere.

Wanna come with?

Welcome to my Little Piece of Insantity

...What a beginning this year has had. One I dont think that I will ever forget. Well on the eve of this new year I was to leave with some friends to go to the desert, to be what would have been one of the best times of my life. Yet Has fate would intervein I injuryed my ankle...pretty bad actually. I cant help think that maybe it saved me in another way though. I lke what if I went and something worst happened to me. But Im okay minus the ankle thing. I cant live life on a what if.....whats the point? So 2009 has just started not what or where I thought I would be honestly....everyone makes these resolutions to abide by. Things that will make their year just that much better, but I think that they are just more rules to control us in some form or another. Ha! The only thing I can promise to do in life is breathe in and out everyday. I swear that until my dying day. All I can wonder is what could this year hold for me? what lessons will it teach me? .....cant wait to see....the sunrise each day for the next 365 days and if im dying I dont wanna know. And dont wake me cause Im dreamn and I believe in the rest of my life cause im freefalln. I hope that all the people that I have meet and befriended this year so far stay in my life cause so far everyone has been pretty bad ass..no lie. ugh My head is killng me...help. So My heart has tough has it is...has its weaknesses. And I think I might let someone in if they want too. But @ the risk of getting hurt im waiting becasue I wanna know more before I do. Honestly when I met him I didnt think it would turn out the way it has..kinda funny. Right now Im just gonna enjoy it and have fun, I havent been open to even think about letting anyone into my heart. There is just something about him that draws me in, like a black hole. heee heee the song im listening to rite now makes me think of him....kinda naughty. (pony-Far) Okay not that anyone needed to know that but read my intro above and tell me if I care. Fuck...oh One thing that WILL happen this year will be that Im moving out for sure!!!! By may, cause fuck this shit i cant do it anymore here. I wanna start this life on my own Im dying. This bird is ready to take flight and rock out!! New Job, New Home, New Life....these times are changing and for once I welcome the change. Hello 2009...you suck so far, try not to fuck it up okay?! Ha Ha well Let the whirl winds throw you in sweet blistful dreams Good nite <3>